A literary magazine with a sense of humor

Résumé for Megan Ellison

by

Megan Ellison

Objective

To obtain a position with a salary of at least $60,000 per year. This amount will cover my day care costs for three children under five years of age. The position also must be fulfilling enough to ease my guilt of leaving said children in a cesspool of germs for 12 hrs a day. Lastly, the position should be enough incentive to sustain years of my mother-in-law telling me what a bad mother I am because I am not at home with my babies, while she completely ignores her son's responsibility in any of this.

 

Experience

Keith J. Husband DDS (8/7/2002- Present)

  • Office Manager/Domestic/Indentured Servant
  • Resolved customer complaints
  • Ignored my needs successfully with full co-dependent behavior
  • Squelched my soul into compliance ignoring its screams
  • Cooked and cleaned for the dentist/husband and his children
  • Trained new employees in medical terminology.
  • Prepared claims for processing.

 

Wasted Education

Indiana University Bloomington, IN (1995-1998)

  • B . A ., Political Science

Skills

Proficient in Microsoft Office 2003 (MS Word, Excel, Works)

Type 70 WPM.

I have the ability to do the following tasks very well:

  1. Cook, Clean, and do laundry while breastfeeding.
  2. Use underhanded passive aggressive measures to obtain money from spouse.
  3. Locate in under 60 seconds, a doll's boot that is 2mm long in an overflowing toy bend with a two year old screaming in my ear and while husband belittles my existence.
  4. Double as a pack mule
  5. Withstand yelling, verbal abuse, and tantrums without flinching
  6. Use my x-ray vision and my 6th sense as to prevent misbehavior of children with back turned
  7. Instantly recall cartoon's plot lines, characters, and their relationships to one another
  8. Use my uterus as a homing device for any object ranging from toys to socks
  9. Speak the five languages of gibberish as well as passive aggressive men and translate them
  10. Fertility
  11. Nagging
  12. Fellatio
  13. Mind read

 

About

Megan is a professional genealogist and stay at home mother of 3 wonderful children. She is married and lives in the Northern Virginia area.

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