Most Recent
Evidence that My Cat Is Not Batman
by Jeremy Clymer
There has recently been some confusion as to whether or not my cat, Ashes, is in fact Batman. I am here to set the record straight.
The Cheerleading Skirt: A Cautionary Tale to Remember the Next Time You Consider Doing a Good Deed
by Rennie Sweeney
When I actually put effort into something, as opposed to my usual lazy half-assed attempts at most things, I do it right. No trashbox Ricky's Halloween Store cheerleader costume for me and mine! No, I had to find an actual cheerleading supply website and damn if I didn't pick an amazing skirt. I paired it with a tank top and mini crop sweater and thigh highs, and guess what? It was predictably amazing.
Pink Devil
by Dana Norris
I am 22 years old. I have just graduated with my Masters degree. I am sitting on the carpeted floor of my apartment in Chicago . The Chicago Tribune classifieds are spread out before me, carefully placed so as to cover a large red wine stain. An ad catches my eye. It reads: "Work for a Fortune 500 cosmetics company. Earn $60,000 a year."
I am stunned. "I wear cosmetics," I think. "I could use $60,000 a year."
Box Scam
by Anne Campbell
The letter from Boxscam, our cable company says:
We're improving our cable service to you! You will be able to access even more mind-blowing entertainment and cutting edge services with our new enhanced system. All you need to do is connect every TV in your home to a digital device.
It's so easy to install, and at no additional cost,
Press “1” to Have Your Brain Towed to An Impound Lot
by Pearl
It is 10 AM and my boss just walked into the office. She is wearing a long black coat with a large feathered collar. It is very cold outside but her coat is wide open. She never closes her coat because she can't: it is two sizes too small for her. She is wearing brown sunglasses which she has trouble removing due to her overly long nails. She has trouble doing many things due to her overly long nails. Sometimes, instead of handing her a piece of paper, I will place it on a table so I can watch her pick it up. New Boss
by Dana Norris
It is 10 AM and my boss just walked into the office. She is wearing a long black coat with a large feathered collar. It is very cold outside but her coat is wide open. She never closes her coat because she can't: it is two sizes too small for her. She is wearing brown sunglasses which she has trouble removing due to her overly long nails. She has trouble doing many things due to her overly long nails. Sometimes, instead of handing her a piece of paper, I will place it on a table so I can watch her pick it up.
Résumé for Megan Ellison
by Megan Ellison
Objective: To obtain a position with a salary of at least $60,000 per year. This amount will cover my day care costs for three children under five years of age. The position also must be fulfilling enough to ease my guilt of leaving said children in a cesspool of germs for 12 hrs a day. Lastly, the position should be enough incentive to sustain years of my mother-in-law telling me what a bad mother I am because I am not at home with my babies, while she completely ignores her son's responsibility in any of this.
Are You There, God? It's Me, Lola
by Miss Lola Belle
I never had my Holy Communion. Shoot, I never dragged feet to even one Catechism class. So, when I was sent to an all-girls Catholic boarding school in 11th grade, I realized partaking in weekly Mass and receiving the sacrament of the Eucharist might prove morally… tricky. The penguins, bless ‘em, would provide me with individual attention, positive reinforcement and a healthy raise in my 1.79 GPA: things my family and I presumed were more substantial than God's green light to eat a cracker.
My Vendetta Against the Wild Cucumber
by Janice Wagar
I grew increasingly alarmed as the weeds threatened to spoil the view and invade my private little woods. When I began to recognize trees and shrubs along the highways completely enshrouded by this same vine, I feared it was taking over the city.
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